10 Non-Tired Tips For The Modern Traveler

Travel has changed enormously in the last 10 years. Less space, less time, more security, and less comfort overall. And the tired “travel tips” you see in magazines just haven’t kept pace. But as a perpetual itinerant who literally flies every week of the year, I’ve hit upon some new and unique solutions to the problems today’s traveler faces. Here are 10 I swear by:

1. For portage, I swear by Briggs & Riley, two hobos I found at a train station in Birmingham, AL. They carry all of my travel gear from place to place. I am not sure what type of conveyance they use. I don’t ask questions — I just expect them to be where I am going, with my waistcoats and ascots pressed. Redundancy is key here.
2. Cabs are for losers. Mani-Pedi-Cabs, however, are great timesavers.
3. Eating well on the road can be a challenge! I cure my own meats in the jacuzzi in my suite. This way, I can be assured of artisanal fare no matter my destination. Also, I sometimes leave leftover sourdough starter for the people who service the room. Pay it forward.
4. I always wear a travel belt — the kind with the hidden compartment. In place of traveler’s cheques, I stuff it with cocaine. No matter where I travel, this magical white powder is always accepted as currency. Simplify!
5. It’s never productive to get angry about upgrades/seats/rooms/etc. Once you raise your voice, you lose. This is why I have trained Briggs (the one who can talk) to yell for me in the most profane way imaginable. Then, I swoop in and say, “listen, I apologize for him — he has…challenges. But can I still get that fucking upgrade?”
6. While I generally use Lyft, I always rent cars in Texas because of the incredibly lax hit-and-run laws there. Also: Shiner Bock is cheap and plentiful. We all need to forget, sometimes.
7. Should you fly Southwest, wear a surgical mask and a hospital gown. Enjoy a row to yourself! Use your creativity on the hospital gown — really explore the space in terms of decoration and accessories. Ask your butcher!
8. I like to use my consumer insights skills on the plane by profiling each passenger, and pointing them out to the flight attendants. “This one will be a problem,” I say, loud enough for the pilot to hear as well. It’s best if everyone just knows this up front.
9. I am a devoted “one bag” traveler. I generally fly with one extra pair of underwear, two heavy gauge knitting needles, and several skeins of yarn. Each morning I knit myself a new sweater. Why wear used clothes when you never have a second chance to make a first impression?
10. Finally, toiletries are for losers. Enjoy the rich stew of your personal aura. The more pungent you are, the more power you project. Take a backseat to no one. Claim your legacy. Manifest.