Moderation.

“You’re not a mean person,” my wife recently told me. “But you can be mean.”

She’s right, of course. I don’t suffer fools very well, and my first instinct can be quite harsh. Sometimes, it’s my second instinct, too. When I am fully present, however, I observe that instinct and choose to feel something else. I often think about what the late David Foster Wallace said: “The only thing you can truly control is how you think about things.” When I am not succumbing to my baser instincts, I choose to think kindly. It’s not always my default reaction. But I’ve also learned not to beat myself up for that default reaction. That’s the thing you can’t control. You can only moderate it.

I’ve been a moderator for years.

It’s a funny term, “moderator.” In my day job as a researcher, it means “the facilitator of a focus group.” You know — the one with the clipboard who asks people which toilet paper feels softest; which whites are the whitest; which light beer, the lightest. If you look up the word “moderator” on a dictionary website, the first definition is often “arbitrator,” or “mediator.” One who presides over a debate.

After moderating at least 500 focus groups over the years, I find these definitions wanting. If you’ve ever been to an arbitrator or mediator, you know that the end goal is an outcome — a judgment. But that’s not exactly the right thing to…